How to Get Safe From an Abusive Relationship

Click here to listen to this I’m a Survivor Podcast Episode

This is a conversation I had with Misty Chaviers from I’m a Survivor Podcast.

Misty Chaviers: ┬áIt’s September the fifth, 2020, and I have a special guest on the podcast tonight and bless her heart, she’s waited for a month. So we’re going to do this natural and like I always do everything. And, , y’all know how that goes. And if I have permission to record and share the podcast, of Miss September Burton, she is a survivor of domestic violence and would like to inspire other victims and survivors of domestic violence with her story. So if I’ve got your permission, September, we will start the recording.

[00:00:54] September Burton: Yes, you have my permission.

[00:00:56] Misty Chaviers: Okay. All right, like I told y’all, she wants, she’s here to talk about her story and she wants to inspire other women. And so hopefully through this podcast and her story of, resilience and of, surviving domestic violence, she will help out so many people. And, go ahead September.

[00:01:16] September Burton: Thank you, Misty for having me. I’ve been excited for this podcast, but I actually think that the wait was it worked out well. I think that there’s a reason that, that we had to wait a little while to get this. so thank you for having me on, my story starts, I it’s a narcissist story. he basically, he’s an attorney and, we met at a networking group and we started dating. We became friends first. I developed a level of trust in him before we even started dating. and there’s a, it’s interesting because I’ve been sharing my story a lot lately and, and I share my story because it’s healing me to share my story. And it’s also helping me to process a lot of what happened. And I’m looking back and seeing things that happened that I wouldn’t even realized we’re grooming and those kinds of things. If I hadn’t shared my story so many times now, but one of the things that he did was, like I said, by the time we started dating, I had already developed a level of trust in him. I felt safe and comfortable with him. And so the very first night that  I spent at his house the following morning, he took me down into the basement to show me his gun collection. And what’s interesting about that is that we were together for five years after that. And never again, he never went shooting, he never pulled out his guns. We never looked at his guns together. Never did anything with those guns. So it’s like, why would he have taken me down into his basement after the very first night that we spent together to show me his gun collection? And now knowing what I know and understanding this disorder disease from the, from a very educated perspective at this point. He was basically laying it out from the very beginning that if I ever stepped out of line, there were going to be consequences. Wow. Yeah. and it wasn’t like that at all? Yeah, no, it was very casual. Hey, here’s my gun collection kind of a thing, but, seeing it from a different perspective, that’s what he was doing. I’m in hiding to this day right now, I live in hiding and nobody knows where I am. I fled in January 31 of 2020 was when I finally fled because he had been stalking. We’d split up in March of 2019. And when we first split up, he, the conversation between the two of us was, this has gotten out of hand, we’re fighting too much. We need a breather. We’re just going to take a break for a little while, but then we’re gonna try to get back together again. And maybe six months a year down the road, that was the conversation that we were having. but then the way that his friends and family were treating me, I could tell it didn’t take very long before it was like, that’s not the story that they’re getting. I’m getting a very different story from what they’re being told. and and obviously they were they were treating me like garbage. Literally they were awful. So what I found out was that the story that they were getting was that I was abusive, I was crazy. He’s an attorney, like I said, and he spent the last seven months that we were together recording me all day every day. And he testified to this and I tried to get a protective order at one point to this, during that hearing that he had recorded me all day for seven months. So he essentially spent the last seven months of our relationship, just building a case against me. And he knew exactly what he was doing and he was doing it so that he would get custody of our children and he did. so yeah, the, the level of psychosis when you think about that to be able to sleep next to somebody, talking about the future, saying “I love you”, those kinds of things, while recording them and building a case against them is like that’s on a whole other level right there.

[00:05:11] Misty Chaviers: Definitely. Where do you see, have, do you have an attorney to fight him for custody now? What are your plans going forward from now?

[00:05:29]September Burton: No, I don’t have an attorney at this point. I had an attorney at one point and she quit. she, he’s good. Let’s just say that he’s good. His father is also an attorney in the town. Who’s been an attorney there for, close to 40 years at this point. And he simply has way too much power and influence in the legal world there. So I didn’t stand a chance. And so they, they got to my attorney and one of the things that she did, that was very not okay with time. So we split up in March, like I said, in October. I went to, I went out one evening and I, it was the first time that I was flirting with another man. and when I went back out to my car, there was a broken, whiskey bottle under my tires. And, I tried to get camera footage to see, who did that. And then I went to my attorney and I said, can you call the police? And can you get this. try to get them to get the restaurant, to give you the footage. And she said, no, I don’t think he would do that. And I, like what if he did, you don’t know, I lost trust in her and then she just quit. And so I haven’t hired anybody else right now because I know that this is happening. I know that there’s a lot of underhanded stuff going on in the attorney world there in town. so that’s not really the plan. w I don’t really, right now, I’m not going public with what my plans are for the future, because things that I need to keep under wraps right now until things play out.

[00:07:00] Misty Chaviers: But yeah, I don’t blame you one bit. yeah. My thing is that a lot of times narcissists will gaslight you. They make you out to be the crazy one. Oh, you’re crazy. Oh no. This is your problem. This is your issue. so it sounds to me like that was what was created around you, showing you the weapons right off, right out of the gate, that was ensuring your to be fearful of him. For him to have that kind of control. Because a lot of times, we use the wheel of control and abuse, And so after he did that, what were some, did you ever have any of like really bad times where did he ever lash out and hit you? anything violent?

[00:07:55]September Burton: Yeah, he, the first time that he got physically violent, and when I say violent, like he never hit me and he thinks that he was not physically abusive because he didn’t hit me. physical abuse goes beyond simply “hitting”. So what he would do was he would pin me to the bed. When he just got angry and couldn’t control himself anymore, he pinned me down. And then at the very end of the relationship, in March, he, we were standing face to face having an argument and he reached over the top of my head and used my head to force my whole body down onto the ground, pushing me down and then he flipped me over and straddled over my waist and pinned my arms above my head. And because of the way that he pulled my head forward, like that I have a permanent spinal injury, I’ve got all of the medical records. I had to do an MRI, I had to do months of physical therapy. I still have pain even now.  And then there was another injury. He caused a shoulder injury and, cause he, he pinned to my arm behind my back and pulled up on it. I went to the doctor for x-rays when that happened and and she was trying to convince me to call the police. She was being very empathetic and she’s I’ll sit here with you, I’ll be here for you, whatever you need. I think that you need to call the police and I wouldn’t do it. And it was because of the gaslighting and that point, because I believed at that point that if I was more of what he wanted me to be, then would stop abusing me and we’d be happy. And so I really truly like at that point, I thought that I could only, I could be what he wanted me to be then the abuse would stop. So I wouldn’t call the police, and so what ended up happening was I left her office. And she called the police after I left, which obviously, I didn’t know at the time. I looked through my medical records since then, and she put it in my records that she called the police after I left and tried to press charges for me. They didn’t let her, they said, if she doesn’t want to press charges, then there’s nothing we can do. but yeah, that’s and then it was ruled in the custody case. It was ruled that I was guilty of domestic violence and he was not.

[00:10:06] Misty Chaviers: Oh my gosh. A lot of times that happens a lot of times, they make it, seem like it’s your fault. And I’ve heard this a lot here lately from women. Several cases that’s happened where narcissistic men, which some people don’t believe in that term, but I do, because they do have that narcissist personality. To me, they turn it around and make it look like yourefault and  then make it look like you’re the one that’s causing the problem and ultimately it’s them. So what would you say to some women out here that are in your situation or that have, that are going through your situation? what would be your message to them?

[00:10:50] September Burton: You’ve got to get yourself safe. You got to get out of there and you got to get yourself safe. And I know that it’s hard. Yeah, it’s hard when I fled, that was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Getting on that airplane, kissing my children goodbye, knowing that was it. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I’d be dead right now if I hadn’t done it. I would not be here to be having this conversation. And it was more about– it was, okay, I have to leave my kids now, but at least when they’re grown and when we are reunited and we will be like, it’s a hundred percent inevitable. I just don’t know when, but when we are, I can be here to heal with them. And I couldn’t do that if I was six feet under right now. So that was the choice that I had to make. And it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I’m safe and I’m here for them as soon as I, we’re reunited. So that’s what I would say. I don’t know that, handling it the way that I did is for everybody. It’s not for everybody. That was what was right for me. And I think that women, you’ve got to get yourself safe. You’ve got to get safe. You’ve got to get out. It only gets worse. It doesn’t get better. It only gets worse.

[00:12:14] Misty Chaviers: It does. What would you say to someone right now? That’s afraid that’s, in domestic violence and they’re afraid of what’s going to happen? Would you give them the advice– figure out a safety plan, go from there. Because to me that it was first their safety, and a lot of women are like, I can’t call the police. I can’t because if I do, he’s going to kill me. And so my biggest problem was, and, I spoke to someone a little earlier today, calling the police was not an option for me. we say often call 911 if you’re in danger, but calling 911 was not an option because I knew that if I had pressed charges that maybe if I had put him in jail, he might’ve gotten out and he might have killed me. So, you do what’s best for you at that time and getting out and getting a safety plan is a lot better than being dead and if you have to just get away, you know what I’m saying? just to get away from the situation, don’t stay there and call the police. Get the heck up out of there. You know what I mean?

[00:13:29] September Burton: You got to get away so you can be safe. I’m a big fan of women’s shelters. I’ve stayed in a couple of women’s shelters at this point, and they are, they’re not going to force you to call the police. They’re not gonna tell anybody their records are very extremely difficult for anybody to subpoena or get to in any way. So I’m a big fan of women’s shelters. They’re there for you. They’re a listening ear they’ll believe you, and they’ll give you resources, they’ll help you. And if it takes time for you to actually be able to physically leave the relationship, that’s okay. But, start getting people behind you, start building a support system. Don’t let him know that you’re doing it, but start building up some sort of a support system. And women’s shelters are a great way to start building that support system up.

[00:14:19] Misty Chaviers: Yes. Yes, absolutely. And I have actually heard from a couple of victims from domestic violence and I actually talked to a lady and she said, To me. why does she have to leave her property? Why does she have to go? Sometimes you don’t have that option there. The option, it’s not on the table, it’s either your life or your property Because to me, materialistic things can come and go. But when we’re talking about a human life or talking about yourself and, their self worth is gone after abuse. You and I both know, your self esteem is over pretty much. You feel like that you’re nothing. Because this person has made you feel this way. So not only have you been, some women get physically beat down some women don’t, but, at the end of the day, emotional abuse will tear you apart and it can kill you just like physical abuse can. It can take your life from you. So mental health is a big issue as well with domestic violence. This has, I think ultimately is going to be a big eye opener for some women that are listening. And then, I love the fact that you talk to women and told them, get to a shelter. Shelters are good. That’s why they’re there. We need more women like you to advocate for shelters because so many victims don’t want to go to shelters. You do have those that are not willing to be a participant in leaving the property, and a woman lost her life in Alabama, a few months back, she was an investigator in Alabama and she wouldn’t leave the property. I felt like if she would have left, she’d still be here. Yeah. I hope that that you were able to tell your story, on here with dignity. And, if you want to continue to talk about anything else you can, I’m sorry for the couple of notifications. I’m sure everyone heard that. Sorry. I really tried to turn off my notifications. September can vouch for me on that. it didn’t work. but I really hope you guys listened to her words and really get something out of it. What she said on this podcast, it’s very important that we have open minds and we are willing to listen to women that are survivors and that have been victims of domestic violence and narcissistic people. Because the narcissism and narcissistic people are abusive. Period. yeah. And so she was forced to leave her children behind because of this. And, I’m going to keep you in my prayers, girl. You’re going to get, but you’re going to get through this. This is just, a small step for you, very large step for you to leave and you just gotta take baby steps to get to where you need to be.

[00:17:23] September Burton: Speaking out, part of why I do these podcast interviews. And I have a blog where I share my story, but it’s a lot of it has to do with, I want my children to know that I wanted them more than anything. I know they’re going to be like you, things are gonna happen, but I want them to have the solid evidence that I wanted them more than anything. And, I’m trying to make the world a better place. I have mostly girls. I have a lot of daughters. So I don’t want my daughters to end up in relationships like this. So I want to educate and I want to, help end this. I’m tired of it. It’s an old, tired story at this point. It’s gotta stop.

[00:18:00] Misty Chaviers: Wow. give everyone real quick, your information on where they can find your stuff.

[00:18:06] September Burton: Yeah. My blog is Septemberburton.com. if you click on my story, that’s where you’ll get to, a lot of the posts that are all about my story. And then I’m all over social media, September Burton. So Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn, all of those. if you just search for September Burton, there’s not very many of us. You’ll probably find me pretty easily.

[00:18:26] Misty Chaviers: No doubt September. it is September and your name is September. I am so honored to know you miss September Burton and I’m so honored that you wanted to come onto the podcast and talk about what you’ve been through and I, I’m just, I’m overwhelmed with gratefulness and, your children are very lucky to have a mother like you and, you will get through this. So that being said, I’m going to say goodbye. Cause we’re like on a time limit. So our minutes are ticking down, guys, come on back to the podcast and listen to it again because I know I’ve been, I’ve had a little bit of a hiatus for the past month and you haven’t heard my voice, but rest assured I am back with a vengeance and I’m going to be recording for the next month. We’re going to have another guest  pretty soon and, hope you guys enjoyed the podcast as much as I enjoy talking. And I’m trying to give you new things to talk about, but stay safe and happy and love yourself, know your worth it know that you’re beautiful. And, I love you guys. Talk to you later.

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