When the narcissist I lived with for 4 years was in the discard phase, he had to set things up to make me look like the abuser in the relationship before completing the discard. He had previously been physically abusive so he had to turn that around and make it appear as though I was the one who was physically abusive.
We went on a cruise in January of 2019, which I did not want to go on because we were fighting so much and I was just completely fed up with him by this time. I didn’t want to go be cooped up in a cabin on a boat with him so I had said I was not going to go. He manipulated me into going by promising to give me lots of space as well as promising that he would spend the day we had in port with his father, leaving me free to explore on my own. Of course, he played sweet during the first couple of days on the cruise and didn’t end up following through with these promises. Then, after that day in port he turned back into the dark version of himself and began toying with my emotions again.
One night I was very drunk and ended up slapping him across the face. I immediately felt horrible and ashamed since I had never done this to anyone else before. I knew this wasn’t something that was in my nature and I was scared of what had just come out of me. I had no idea what was happening (remember, by this time he had already spent almost half a year setting me up).
I hated the thought of having to go back into the room with this man and to this day I wish an employee had separated us that night. But, I was drunk and needed to get some sleep so I went back down to the cabin with him, dreading the night the whole way. Once we were back in the cabin he went right back to emotionally baiting me and I slapped him again. I’m right-handed so I used my right hand. He grabbed my left wrist, twisting my arm behind my back and throwing me face first onto the bed. He pulled up on my arm while he had it pinned back so hard that I had to go get x-rays done when we got back. He claims this was self-defense. Baiting someone so you can set up an excuse to be able to hurt them, does not constitute self-defense. And true self-defense would have had him grabbing me by my right hand.
I went to the doctor for x-rays as soon as we got back from the cruise because my shoulder was still hurting. This doctor tried to get me to call the police and report the incident but I was still in the phase of believing that I was the one with the problem. I believed that if I was prettier, thinner, taller, wealthier, get the house cleaner, worked harder, and a million other “er’s” then he would stop abusing me and we would be happy together. So, I told her no, I didn’t want to call. In my head I was thinking that I could fix the relationship by being more of what he wanted. The trouble, that I didn’t see until way after the relationship ended, was that what he wanted changed every day. Which was why I always felt as though I lived with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and didn’t know on any given day who was coming home.
There were some other physical abuse incidents but the other major one, that is worth writing about, is the spinal injury he caused me.
It was March, and a friend of mine was having a birthday party for her daughter which she invited us to. As narcissists typically do, he would always start a fight or find some way to sabotage time we spent with my friends or family. This morning was no different. Because we were going to my friends house, there was a fight. This is 7 months into his recording and manipulating so by this time he knew exactly what to say to pierce my soul instantly. He didn’t even have to try anymore. I was so traumatized and had developed Complex PTSD and had become an easy target for him. It wasn’t even a challenge anymore.
We were in the bedroom standing face to face when we started arguing when he reached up over the top of my head using it to force my whole body face first down to the ground. He then flipped me over and got on top of me–straddling me over my waist and pinning my arms by my wrists up above my head. After this incident I had to go back to the doctor for a new set of x-rays. The x-rays didn’t find anything but I was in pain so they sent me to physical therapy. After about 6 weeks of physical therapy with no improvement they ordered an MRI. The MRI came back showing Spinal Stenosis–a permanent spinal injury. I spent another 6 weeks or so in physical therapy and still live with pain to this day. In the family court case it was ruled that I was guilty of domestic violence because I slapped him across the face on the cruise.
I am not justifying what I did. I wish I could take that back. But, do I really deserve to have been stalked, harassed, bullied by his attorney, had my children taken away from me and lost everything for slapping him across the face? He set me up (essentially, because of his training and understanding of the law, what he did is entrapment).
Another interesting point here is that there was a document he filed in which he said that I had threatened him saying that if he ever left me I would ruin his career. First off, I never made that threat and if I did, it should be in his recordings. But here’s the thing. He claims I made that threat and everyone sides with him as though I’m this horrible person. But look at what actually happened–he DID ruin my career. He chose the most important day of my career to break into the house. He DID take everything from me, including my children. He says that I threatened it (which I didn’t) but then he goes and does it and nobody bats an eye…misogyny? sexism? What would you call this?