What Does Stalking Look Like?
Throughout the duration of our almost 5 year relationship we had a verbal agreement that we each owned 50% of the house. However, I was naive and trusting and so never insisted that my name go on the deed.
When he left, because he viewed me as his property he thought that keeping the house in his name would protect him from any criminal charges if he ever decided to come in unannounced.
So, when his flowers and gift baskets didn’t work to keep me under his control and I continued distancing myself from him more and more as I learned about his patterns of abuse, he started covertly entering the home. It was in his name so the police couldn’t call it breaking and entering, so as far as they were concerned no crime had been committed. He also kept the security system in his name, which he didn’t need to do. He made up lies about us having conversations about me taking over the bills so why wouldn’t the bill for the security system have been included? If I was the one living in the home and wanted a security system why wouldn’t I have been expected to pay for it? The reason for this, of course, is because if it remained in his name then he would continue to have access to it from a legal standpoint. Not from a moral standpoint since he wasn’t living there but this brings up the issue of him lacking a moral compass…
So, after he moved out I told him that I was changing the password to the security system as well as changing the door codes, etc. He didn’t say anything and, as far as I could tell, didn’t seem to have a problem with it. This conversation happened in April. Then, on October 10 he apparently got frustrated and wanted to feel in control again so he got into my security system by replacing the security system on his new home with a system from the same company. This company has something called bridge accounts so that if someone has security systems on multiple properties, they can monitor all of their systems from a single login and dashboard.
On the morning of October 11 I saw a notification on my phone from the security app saying that he had logged in at 11:15pm the night before. I was already asleep and the kids were in bed by this time. I did everything I could to kick him out but each time I would change passwords or do anything that I thought would keep him out, he would immediately get back in. It was as though he was watching and waiting for me to try to kick him out just to establish his control. After I did everything I could think of and none of it worked, I called the company who told me that the only way they could kick him out was with a court order. It was a Friday and to get a protective order you have to be at the courthouse as soon as they open so it was already too late. It was also Columbus Day weekend so the courthouse wouldn’t be open again until Tuesday.
I called the women’s shelter to see if they had space for myself and my children. They had previously told me that there was no way they would be able to house all of my children but when I called and told them what he was doing they said “just come. We’ll move people around and do whatever we have to do to make space. Just get over here”. So, the kids and I spent the weekend there.
Tuesday morning came around and I went to get the protective order. It’s interesting when you get protective orders because you go in front of a judge in a room full of people who are also trying to get protective orders. I sat and watched this judge question each person as they went up, he was very careful about handing these orders, I watched him deny a few and tell several other people they were going to need to provide more detail. When my turn came and he called me up he just said mine was granted. Having someone who is intentionally getting into your home security system was enough that this judge only asked a couple of questions and then told me to be safe.
I took the order to the security company who kicked the stalker out of my system. However, the stalker called the company very upset and was able to get back in. The person at the company told me that after this he had to completely delete the entire account and create me my own separate account. He was very helpful and supportive and behaved as though he was concerned for my safety. He told me that the stalker had specifically asked for a bridge account when he installed the system on his new house. Why would he need a bridge account unless he wanted to use it as a way to stalk me?? And why would he be upset about being kicked out when it had no effect whatsoever on the system for the home he was living in?
Fast forward 2 weeks to the protective order hearing and the attitude of the person from the security company has completely changed. At first, I thought he was upset about being subpoenaed, which I can completely understand. It’s not something anybody wants to have to deal with. But then he got up on the stand to give his testimony and it was as if he was intentionally trying not to fully answer questions. As if he had shifted and now viewed me as the crazy ex and was on the side of the stalker. The testimony he gave didn’t fully match what he had previously told me. Not to mention, that as he was walking up to the stand, the stalkers attorney gave him this “boy’s club” shoulder squeeze that the security guy reached out and returned. I saw it and I didn’t like it. It was obvious there had been some conversations between them.
Then, the stalker gets up on the stand and gives his nerf gun lie story. Then, he says that he was worried that I was going to accuse him of child abuse for not turning the heat in his house up enough…WHAT?? First off, just…what? My login never had a bridge account so I would never have been able to see what his thermostat was set at. He knew my login was never a bridge account. So, here’s a lie.
Then, with his chest puffed out, as though he’s very proud of what he’s done, he talks about how he recorded me all day every day for 7 months. How the judge did not find this to be incredibly disturbing behavior is beyond my comprehension.
So, this hearing ends with him being told he’s credible, me being told I’m not credible even though I have proof that what I said was true (I just didn’t know I would need to bring that in as evidence so it wasn’t submitted).
Sorry if this is confusing. There are so many lies and moving parts that it’s tough to keep it all straight.
When I got home from that hearing I immediately disconnected all power. I left everything in tact and exactly as it was, I just disconnected the wires and removed the batteries so there was no back up power. I bought an entirely new system and had it set up and ready to go before we moved back into the house.
He didn’t even wait a full day before getting back into the system. This is how arrogant and desperate for control he is. The same day that he won the hearing I got a notification saying that my email had been removed from the account, he changed it to an alternate address of his so all notifications would go to him. This notification had the stalkers old login name, which the security company told both myself and police had been deleted and was not recoverable. It seems the security company even lied to police.
And after all of this (and don’t worry, there’s still more) I’ve been labelled crazy and completely blown off by police. They haven’t even brought him in for questioning. All you have to do is talk to him and compare what he says to court documents and you’ll catch him in at least 10 lies. He lies so much he forgets what he lied about and then has to lie to cover up his lies.
I’ll do another post on the PRE but here’s another huge piece that shows how unsafe I really am from this man. He hired a PRE for the custody case. This woman, a PhD in psychology, didn’t even try to call me to talk to me about the case or my children. Later, when I called her, she kept saying “I KNOW he has a soft spot for you. I know he loves you very much”. So, that may sound lovely but remember that this is a man, whom I had separated from 14 prior to this conversation, and am now accusing of stalking. He is absolutely destroying every piece of my character in the family court system, including accusing me of child abuse (which the judge found was not true, that I had not committed child abuse)–how is it possible that he could be giving someone the impression that he’s still in love with me? This piece right here is beyond scary. He’s leading her to believe that he still loves me and has a soft spot for me, but outwardly he’s trying to destroy me. This absolutely screams “stalker mentality”. This is a man who will do ANYTHING to control me.
Dear police, Please do something. I’d like my safety back. Thanks!